There is a laser focus and a clarity that comes when something you love, or desperately want, is threatened. We are, in many ways, faster, stronger, better in a crisis than we are as we muddle along. Mostly, we talk only about the adrenaline that comes from a threat against someone we care for. Sometimes, though, it's entirely internal.

The ability to get through my degree with minimal stress? Gone. In fact, it's entirely possible I won't be able to finish my degree at this point. And the threat to not just something I love, but something I need in order to make a living has been heart breaking, and a kick in the butt I truly needed.

At first, I did what the vast majority of people do when faced with a sudden brick wall on their sprinting route. I crumpled in a heap and cried, gnashed teeth, threw my hands skyward and asked the universe why it hated me. I grumped and hid under my blanket, and tried to resolve myself to the idea that it just wasn't meant to be. It worked, for a few days. And then I got angry. Who the hell has the right to take my potential income, my right to an education, and tick a box to say my mental illness means I'm not worth the effort it takes to educate me? Who the hell do these people think they are telling me that it's more financially viable for me to live long term dependent upon welfare than it is to get a skill set and get working? I get finances are tight, but three years of help verses fifty years of dependence seems like a better result to me.

In that moment of fury, something became so crystal clear that I can't believe I missed it for so long.

I was passively sitting around, waiting for my dream to show up. I was like one of those well dressed ladies in historical fiction; demure on her chair, waiting for someone to rescue her or give her what she needed. I have been living out the archetypal damsel in distress; that horrible victim mentality that meant that someone or something was sabotaging me, and all I could do was wait and hope they'd leave or someone would step in to magically improve the situation. Ugh. Not a good look.

That realisation prompted something else, too. I realised that all of that passive hoping was a goal killer. All that umming and ahhing, all that edging around, actively avoiding saying this is what I want, and I commit to making it happen meant that I'd never actually defined what it was I wanted in any meaningful way. I'd never looked at what would be needed to make them happen. I'd never stood up for my goals and my dreams. As soon as something came up, I'd back away. Does anyone else ever do that? There would always be a reason: I didn't want to be the bad guy, or hurt someone's feelings, or be selfish. And chasing my dreams? Oh my God, selfish. Saying that something for myself is my number one priority feels an awful lot like being mean to everyone else when you start doing it. I've been told it gets easier. I hope like heck that's true.

Don't get me wrong, right now, the financial side is a killer. It's entirely probable there will be a stretch soon where I have no guaranteed access to any source of income. And the idea of leap and the net will appear when it comes to meeting basic needs is terrifying. All I know is that playing it safe cannot physically work anymore. All I know is that I cannot stand the idea of spending my life struggling to find jobs I am qualified to do that aren't being done more cheaply by teenagers, of working my ass off and still not earning enough to survive without government help. I know that I will not ever again tolerate anyone telling me, or anyone else, that a mental illness means going without education. Screw that, I aced three of four subjects last semester, and only narrowly missed acing the forth. I can do this. I will do this. As of now, there are two camps of people in my world. Those who are with me, and those who need to be getting out of the way.

As of now, I'm chasing down dreams like they're gazelles on the Serengeti.

For the first time in what feels like forever (but is more like a week), it's not painfully warm here. In fact, it's cool and rainy.

It's glorious.

There's something perfect about sipping a cup of tea and enjoying the sounds of life outside.

The back to school preparations are coming along. I've got most of the back to school supplies taken care of during the sales, and I can enroll for my tutorials on Friday morning. Fingers crossed I can nab the tutes I want, and if I can, I'll only be on campus three days a week. I'm trying to get through the year as cheaply as possible. I can apply for scholarships, but I can't plan on having that extra bit of money. The fewer days at uni, the less my transport costs are, the more I can save towards next semester's textbooks and transport.

The biggest, most awesome part of the coming fortnight is that the bestie and I have tickets for an MCR concert! Very, very excited. I love My Chemical Romance's music. And theatricality. And the idea that I'll actually get to see them perform live? I don't even know enough adjectives to describe how fantastic it is.

In terms of art, I'm falling a bit behind in Life Book, which is frustrating. Drawing people has never been my strong point, and the first challenge has been a 3/4 profile face. I've never tried one before, and by the end of today I'll have a photo up on the site asking for help on how to get the nose to look less creepy.

In terms of Magical Mythical Makings/ M3 (which was one of the additional workshops offered through Life Book), I have my giant canvas sitting and waiting to be prepped. As soon as it's sunny enough to do so, it'll be coated in gesso so I can get started drawing. No idea how I'll actually draw on it, though, since it's too big to fit comfortably on the easel. Some lateral thinking required, it seems. But already, I'm loving this class. It's drawing and painting mythological creatures and beings, but it's also lessons about working on different bases. Weeks one and two are on stretched canvas. Another one is on wood, one on watercolour paper, and one is working with unstretched canvas and fabric to create a wall hanging. Each lesson is inspired by a different artist, and trying to work within their style is so much more fun than I'd thought it would be.

There are some free courses on Willowing, too, and a monthly challenge group I'm toying with being involved in. The January challenge is 'Dragons', and for me, that's a pretty big temptation. I even have a canvas waiting to be prepped that's just begging to have a dragon on it!

That's pretty much everything at the moment. Lots of running around trying to fit as much into each day as possible. My big goal is to start uni without feeling like I'm falling behind in the art workshops, so they're taking up a fair bit of time at the moment. Fingers crossed this update will be the start of weekly ones (yup, another goal for the year!) Wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, hope you're having a fantastic day, preferably full of laughter and creativity.

It's the last day of 2011 here. Some years, it's like you've won a sprint (you know the sort of win; the one where there's noone anywhere near you and you can make a show of dancing to the finish line, or posing for photos before running through the ribbon), and some years it's like you've crawled your way out of the jungle with a body covered in bug bites, a snake trying to swallow your leg and an alligator biting your butt.

2011 has been an alligator butt year in a lot of ways, but mostly I'm so thrilled to have had so many positive experiences. I participated in 21 Secrets, which means I've learned a load of new tricks and techniques.

I'd decided not to do any courses, but changed my mind about 21 Secrets. So, so glad I did. The women running the workshops have all changed the way I look at art, and quite a few of them really hammered home for me the idea of art as therapy. Not in terms of hiring an art therapist, though that's certainly something to consider in the future, but in terms of using art on your own as a way to let go of the bad stuff and work through the complicated stuff. Quite a few of the workshops used hidden or not overly legible journaling, and I've taken to it like a duck to water. This probably sounds horrible, but I've learned more practical problem solving techniques and coping strategies in a few months of art classes than two years of actual therapy.

I applied to university this year. I told no one, because I was so, so sure I'd not get in. But I did. I start my creative writing degree in February, and I'm flitting between elated and terrified by the notion of dedicating the next 3 years of my life to something so fully. Especially since there are plans starting to take root and grow for a big, awesome, time consuming non profit endeavour.

2012? It's going to be epic.

I'm signed up for Life Book over here, which is promising to be a huge, fun, brilliant adventure. At first when I got into uni I was a bit nervous Life Book would be too time consuming, but now I'm seeing it as a creative outlet and something outside of focusing entirely on writing. I work better when I flit between things, and I can't wait till Life Book starts (22ish hours to go, but you can join any time of year and not miss anything).

I can't wait to hit the ground running in 2012.

Seriously, though, no matter how your year has been, I hope your last day/hours of 2011 are joyful and wonderful, and a perfect lead in to the magic and brilliance of 2012. May the new year bring all you can dream of and so much more.

It's been a while between updates, so I thought while I was waiting for paint to dry, I'd jump in and say hi.

Hi.

November is always a very productive month for me, because for the last few years I've been participating in Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) and pushing myself to write 50,000 words of fiction in November. It's less than 2,000 words a day to do, which sounds easy until you decide to try for a cohesive plot rather than ramblings. I've been pretty slack so far, with less than 1,000 words, but I'm wordy enough to catch up pretty quickly when I have some time to really sit and focus.

For the first time, though, I'm also participating in Art Every Day Month over at Creative Every Day. It's a challenge to do something creative every day in November, and while so far my creativity has been mostly prep work and doing little things that take forever to try, I've decided to set myself an additional challenge for this. Instead of trying to make 30 random pieces of art, I'm going to take a leaf out of Lori Portka's book. She is an amazing artist who has set about creating 100 thank you pictures for the people in her life that have inspired her and gifted her with their love and support over the years. 100 is a bit much for me, but 30? Totally doable.

So far I've got a list happening that I'm getting more and more excited about. I raced out and got some 5x7 canvas boards (because as much as I'd love to do actual canvases for everyone, the budget just won't allow for it). Batch two has just been gessoed and is drying underneath the ceiling fan beside me. Batch one has the first layer of stamping and glued on things drying. There's two more groups to be taken care of (though one has to be returned; a few of the canvas boards were mouldy when I opened their packets- ew!) For now, there's not a whole lot to photograph, but as I go through I'm planning on photographing and putting pictures up here to actually add some images to this blog.

And... that's pretty much it, really. No big, earth shatteringly huge news to report. Just me jumping around between creative acts and forgetting to update. Hope wherever you are, you're having a happy, productive time of it.