Tangling up the Positives

I have spent the last few weeks struggling with a decision- one that still hasn't been made. And I'm getting irritated and grumpy because instead of it all falling together like I want it to, it's just a tangled mess of maybes.

I asked the angels for help, and panicked, because nothing seemed to happen. And for a while, my stress levels increased. Increased so much that I've got an infection in my arm (you can always tells when I'm really, really stressing about something because I get sick in weird and random ways). I felt like I was waving my hands above my head, asking for help and getting nothing.

I wonder, though, if I'm just so stressed that I don't see the blindingly obvious in front of me. I know I've taken something that should be fun and awesome and exciting, and managed to jumble it up into a bad (if enlightening) moment.

Oh dear. I think I do that a lot.

I've decided, though, to talk it out here, where saner minds can add input if they wish to.

The problem with being crazy to the point employment is unsustainable is mostly financial. You can survive, of course. I'm hardly starving, or homeless. I can afford art supplies from time to time. I even manage to squirrel away money every fortnight to be able to do something fun once a year. All year, I do what's expected. I try and maintain that mature responsible grown up persona that is expected. But for one moment a year, I get to just give in and be crazy-in-the-good-sense. To not care that there are important, grown up things I could spend the money on, but to give it as a gift to my creative self to do what she wishes with it.

Normally, it's a shopping spree for art supplies. It's a chance to top up the stores, or try new things. It's a way to try that paint that's too expensive the rest of the year. This year, though, I'm thinking about doing something else. I was thinking about taking a course. Not business, not something long term and sensible, but something that enriches me creatively. Something for me, not something designed to keep everyone else happy.

My first thought was a Doreen Virtue course. Which, wow, would be amazing. My sister did one, and loved every second, and I find myself more and more wishing I'd done it, too. But lordy, is it expensive. It costs more for a three day course than I saved up in a year. And that's not even thinking about accommodation. Sheesh. At first, my heart sung with the idea of taking this course. It felt right. The universe would make it happen.

And then things did start happening. Things got delayed. On inspection, the timing was just wrong, even if we could make it work with a little elbow grease and sacrifice. As for accommodation? Yeah, no way in heck could I afford it. Even searching out the cheapest accommodation possible brought with it a pile of new issues. Everything I tried seemed to bring more bad news.

Still, my heart held on tight to the idea. Like a kid throwing a tantrum in a store, I wanted it.

I think that's where the problem lies. It's not like this course is a rare event, it happens quite regularly. So realistically, I could work my budget a little harder, save for a longer period, and be able to do it without much hassle next year, or even the year after. After all, it not happening this year doesn't have to mean it will never, ever happen. It just means that I'm not ready yet, that there are other things I could be doing that wouldn't cost quite so much.

Today, as I was hastily writing for Camp Nanowrimo, my brain kept flitting back to the Rock Your World Summit. I loved it. I want to do more things like that, really. All year, as I've read blogs like Roots Of She, Suzi Blu, Dirty Footprints Studio, ABC Creativity.... I've wanted to do their classes. They sound amazing, divine, beautiful, and every time I see them, a little spark lights up inside me and says 'yes'. Yes, I want to try that. Yes, this sings to something in me. And every time, I've sighed like a mother dreading saying no to their child, and firmly planted my feet back in reality. Yes, I'd love to do that course too, but we can't afford it. Maybe next year? Look at the cost, look at the difference in our dollar to theirs! How can we possibly do it?

What if I did a few of them this year, instead? What if I took the hint and said that the original plan isn't going to happen, but that it's made room for more fun things over a longer period of time?

What if I stopped looking backwards, and started looking ahead?

Suddenly, I don't feel so stressed.

posted under | 2 Comments
Newer Posts Older Posts Home


Recent Comments