I've done my usual, I'm afraid.

Whenever I feel particularly crazy, whether I'm feeling depressed or as though I'm racing towards mania, I tend to hide from the world. It's unhealthy, unhelpful, and causes strain on all of my relationships, but still, I run.

People don't like it when I do. To them, it feels like I'm saying I don't believe them when they say it's ok, that they can ride out the roller coaster of my emotions. And, if I'm honest, I am saying that, just not with the same connotations that people are reading into it. The only person to not run-a-screaming was a youth worker, well used to mad behaviour. To me, it feels like protecting other people, and myself. There's a million and one reasons for it, but mostly, it's because my experience is that when people see beyond the carefully crafted exterior, they run.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not violent, nor cruel. But I'm exhausting when manic and at times self destructive when depressed, and it's honestly ok that people don't cope well with the sudden shift into acting like someone else. We all cope better when the people we love fit into their pigeonholes- person A is quiet, person G is flirty, person J is the one with the good advice. When that suddenly changes, it's jarring. At times it feels like there are three distinct personality types living in the one body. I don't begrudge people not being able to handle it, because it's jarring for me, too.

This year has been about looking inwards for me. Lots of soul searching, lots of hunting out clues behind my behaviours. I honestly don't think it's helpful to say 'this behaviour is dumb and I'm gonna change it', because I need to know why I'm doing the things I do. And it staggers me how much of what I do, both good and bad, comes down to protecting myself from the potential hurt of people vanishing. So instead of stepping out and admitting that I need help or support, or that I'm struggling, I curl inward, and suffer quietly.

Both online and off, I worry that I'll be depressing, or irritating. And I wonder how many interesting or helpful thoughts or ideas are lost out of that fear. So I'm going to try and post more, if only to remind myself that it's all good. What I post here doesn't need to be perfect, it needs to be honest. That was the goal I set myself with this blog, and hiding isn't honest.

There's a belief in weight loss that until you accept yourself for where you are, until you find the good in yourself and love yourself unconditionally, nothing will change. What you hate or fear about yourself, you empower. Maybe that's true of mental health, too. What if, instead of treating my bipolar like some dark little secret, I embraced it? What if instead of grumbling about the down sides, I looked at the positives? How many famous, creative souls are bipolar? Quite a few. More and more, it's becoming accepted understanding that there's something about bipolar, or mental illness in general, that can lead to a more creative person. What if I embraced the good, and embraced who am I right now, instead of lamenting the fact that all gifts come with a downside?

How much better would the world be if we all took a moment today to look in a mirror, meet our own gaze and said 'I love you, right now, just the way you are'?

Lately, life has been overwhelming. My computer needed to be sent off for repairs, my relationships got rocky, my heart got heavy and sad. I've mourned for lost friendships, wished for change, and felt myself falling into the old familiar mindset: the only way to make things better is to fix it all. Right this second. Now.

I do that, you see. I will get it into my head that I need to do a million things a day- all grown up, sensible things, and then find myself resentful and sullen because a life of total grown up sensibility comes with a large lack of fun. It came to a head late last night (why do epiphanies arrive in the middle of the night??), when I crawled into bed, exhausted.

Three minutes later, I was wide awake.

My brain was churning. I decided that what I needed to do was have a look at what I felt like I had to achieve right that second in order to have things feel ok. I wanted to know what ideas and stresses were lurking in the back of my mind, making me anxious and unable to sleep. Taking (and altering) some wise advice from the Goddess Leonie, I started two lists. The first was my stubborn mule tasks: the big grown up tasks that have to be done. The stuff that makes me drag my feet and pout because there's so much to do. It took two pages to hold them all.

When the frantic writing stopped, it dawned on me that the list fell into three kinda obvious subsections. I grabbed a grey texta (marker pen) and crossed out the impossible ones: single handedly fixing relationship issues, getting my home in perfect order right now this second, and all the things I feel guilty that I can't physically do on my own or within ten minutes. I grabbed a highlighter and coloured in the things that definitely had to be done- no ifs or buts. Doctors appointments and meetings, things with a definite deadline that was looming. The list was still terrifyingly huge, even without those.

The rest of the stubborn mule list was full of things. Boring things like washing dishes and using the treadmill and organising huge piles of stuff into manageable amounts. Obligation things. Duty things. Things I know I should do but that feel like a chore. I'd feel better with them done, of course. No one likes to see piles of stuff hanging around, awaiting organisation or cleaning. Certainly, no one likes feeling like they're letting someone else down. I looked at the pages of remaining jobs, and asked myself an important question: what five things (and five only) could I do tomorrow that would make me feel better?

Suddenly, the list was manageable. It was obvious that there were a few things that would make life run smoother if they happened- get the clear stamps off the bathroom mirror and back in their cases, make the bed in the morning rather than being led astray by other tasks that will 'only take a moment' and eat away the hours... easy, small things that would make a big impact but wouldn't take up my day. I pointedly ignored things that needed something else to be done first, decided to focus on things that wouldn't lead to my feeling obligated to try and tackle the whole list.

The second list I created was based on the idea of a wild donkey list. At the moment, not a lot of ideas are jumping into my mind for attention, but what I do have is a yearning list of things that I crave, but don't always find the time to do. If there are stubborn mule and wild donkey lists, this is my Pegasus list- so magic and fantastical that sometimes I wonder if it's possible to have it exist. They're not even huge things, just things that a part of me desperately wants to do, but that usually go by the way side because there's too much other stuff to do.

Make a love-filled, yummy, healthy dinner for my bff and I. At the moment, more often than not it seems to be a frantic rush to throw something together, with little thought or care. Done.

Leisurely sip tea, rather than forgetting about it and speed drinking a lukewarm cupful. Done.

Read for pleasure, rather than for research or note taking. Done (catching up on inspiring blogs counts!)

Send a loving, uplifting message to the people in my life who need cheering up. Maybe it's just me, but I find that I always intend to send a message, post a card, do something to cheer up those around me. But then something steps in and distracts me, and the gesture goes unmade. Today I decided to simply SMS something nice to two people. Done.

Make something beautiful.

Create RAKs (random acts of kindness) for loved ones, ready to post on pay day.

Six beautiful, happy making things that don't involve running around like a headless chicken. I found that I started with my Pegasus list, and was soon inspired to start on the stubborn mule list! It wasn't quite so scary, because I knew I'd already achieved something (three, actually) from my Pegasus list, so I wasn't rushing through the day in the hopes of scratching out a few moments for fun things later on.

What a relief.

So what about you? Do you ever get overwhelmed by constant floods of things to do, and if so, how to you get through it without feeling like you're banging your head against a wall (or worse, drowning)?

Today, between frantic bouts of cleaning, I'm rewriting my notes from the Rock Your World Summit, which was a recent free telesummit held by the amazing girls at Big Sparkly Life. Even though I had to carve out time I didn't have (mostly listening at 2am, when it was quiet), it was well worth it. I came away inspired, happy, and ready to take on the world.

Cut to two days later, when everything began falling to pieces. Relatives in hospital, other's at home but fading fast, others losing the battle with their illness. Other relatives getting into bad situations, all out warfare between groups, cancelled plans and hurt feelings, and a near manic episode from all the stress.

It felt, to be honest, as though the universe gave me a beautiful hint of what could be, then threw me straight back onto the garbage heap (and then promptly threw some old nappies in as well). It was heartbreaking to feel all that passion, all that life that had been coursing through me suddenly screech to a halt and vanish away, to make time and energy to help other people.

So one night, after everyone else had gone to bed, I sat down in front of some bad TV show, and cried my eyes out. This, I told myself, was not what I signed up for. I signed up for big, beautiful, wonderful life. I did not sign up for cleaning up other people's messes and being there for people who are never there for me. And yet, here I was, yet again sweeping up for someone else and telling myself to be nice to people who aren't overly nice to me.

For a while, I just sat and wallowed and felt like crap. Sometimes you just need to let yourself feel miserable for a little bit, rather than push through it and move on. Eventually, though, one of the exercises from the Summit popped into my head. Jamie Saloff mentioned it in her talk: Why Feel Like An Ugly Duckling When You're Really A Swan? She called it playing Dear Abby, and what you do is you write down the names of three people you'd love to sit down and give some advice to. Maybe you can tell them in real life (maybe you already have and they've ignored you), or maybe you can't. Either way, write down the first three names that spring to mind.

Next, you write down the advice you want to give them. Spell it all out, be as blunt or as gentle as you want. Just get it all out onto the page.

The last step is actually quite eye opening. Go back and cross out the names you wrote down, and put your own in. Read the advice as though someone is giving it to you. What can you take from it that is useful to your life right now? Not all of the information will be relevant for you. If you're giving advice to an alcoholic, for example, the alcohol based comments aren't going to look overly helpful to someone who doesn't drink. But think about the overall message rather than the specifics. Are you starting to get addicted to something else, even if it's a healthy something? Maybe you are exercising past the point it's helpful, and veering into addiction? Maybe you're the type of person who feels pressured into working unpaid overtime because you're clinging to the idea that someone needs to do it, and no one else will. If you look, there'll be something there relevant to you.

One of the messages I wrote was to a relative who gives up far too much of her time to help other relatives who don't appreciate any of it (already, I should have been seeing similarities!). They expect she'll drop everything and help. For most of it, I nodded a bit, refusing to see the similarities, and then the last sentence hit me like a tonne of bricks: for Gods sake, realise that you're worthy of appreciation and respect, because neither household gives you any of either. A very pointed reminder, that. One of the things I whine about to my bff is that I wish people would care about all the work I do for them. "I'm not asking for a parade here, just someone noticing would be nice" is a constant lament. Here I am, wishing that my loved one would realise she deserved better, and all the while I'm in the exact same trap. How can I beg her to put herself first when I don't?

Another of the things I'd written to a loved one was about letting go. That there is nobody in your life worth giving your life up for- that sometimes if you want someone badly enough, the best way to make it happen is to let go and move on. Get yourself together, make yourself a happier, healthier person, and let your sudden joy and radiance bring people into your life. Maybe it'll be that person you love, maybe by then you'll decide they aren't going to be a part of your life, but if things haven't worked, it's time to try something new. Another pointed reminder. I've had my self worth tied to my family for years. If they cancel plans, I spend hours obsessing about what I may have done wrong, or what they don't like about me. What an exhausting way to live! Maybe if I want them in my life, it's time to let go. To let go of the baggage, to let go of the hurt and the desperate wish for approval. If I used even half that wasted energy on myself, how much happier and healthier and more full of life would I be? If I stopped letting their disorganisation become my emergency, how much less stressed would I be? If I stopped cleaning up messes and feeling as though I had to do something, anything, to make their lives easier, what could I achieve in my own life?

So this week, I'm devoting my time to exploring ways of letting go. I have a few ideas so far:

• Writing grievances on toilet paper pieces and flushing them
• Writing them on pieces of paper and burning them
• Either finding a rock that you can imagine represents each issue (or writing them on a rock) and then either burying them, or throwing them into running water (a creek, stream, or even the ocean)
• blowing on a dandelion and imagining that each little seed is one of the things you've been holding on to
• a meditation exercise, where you give all of the negative energy to a higher power to be transformed into positive energy.
• a meditation exercise where you imagine all of the ties that bind you to the other person (or people) as cords of light that move from your body outwards. Imagine you can see the pulse of your energy moving from your body, into the cord, and towards the other person. Ask an Angel, or Deity, to sever the ties between you both.
• Write a letter. In it be totally, utterly honest about what's happened and how it has affected you. Be honest about your role in events, but put responsibility where it's due. Say everything you want to say, everything you think and feel, even if it sounds mean or cruel. Burn or bury the letter. Do NOT send it. If you want to send a letter, use this one as a basis, but word it more kindly.

At the end of the week, I think I'm going to pick something from the list and try it out.

As for the third piece of advice? It was to stop working so hard and remember to play. Ties in nicely, and during pauses in cleaning, I'm going to prep some art journal pages so I can play tonight and all day tomorrow. Sounds like a fair compromise to me.

Today, I have issues. Not little, quirky, artistic melodrama issues. These are Godzilla issues, roaring and destroying and leaving me running about like a chook with its head cut off. I want to growl, yell, stomp and scream today.

No, really. Those kids throwing epic tantrums in the sweets isle? Were it not for major self restraint, that'd be me.

Here's the thing: today has just been a mess of being told I'm not enough. It's not enough that I'm doing everything I can to meet other people's expectations. It's not enough that I'm trying my hardest and running myself ragged in the process. It's not enough. I feel like there's a neon sign above my head flashing I AM NOT ENOUGH. I want to curl into a hole, and hide.

One of the big things I'm realising at the moment is that if you look for it, life sends you messages. It's there, whether or not it comes from a bible, a self help book, a song, or if you're me tonight, the Prom ep of Glee.

Oh yeah. You know the universe has had to work on getting a message through when your big life lesson comes from Glee.

Glee is my guilty pleasure. It's boppy. It's melodramatic and hilarious. Sue Sylvester is brilliant (as is the actress playing her, Jane Lynch). I would cheerfully by CDs by the women who play Britney and Santana. The character I love most, though, is Kurt.

Kurt (Chris Colfer) is talented beyond belief. Lordy, but his version of 'Blackbird' is my most listened to song at the moment. If Chris Colfer had a CD out? I'd buy the disk, and get it on Itunes. He is that good. And as much as I love his voice, I also love the character. Kurt is an insecure, talented kid torn between fitting in and being himself. He's also the only openly gay kid in a school that is deeply intolerant.

It was the prom episode tonight, and one in which Kurt finds himself thrilled that for once, he's not being bullied. He's happy- his boyfriend is going to prom with him, he loves his outfit, and he's convinced that finally, his peers are beginning to accept him. Until the moment he's voted Prom Queen.

All along, those people he thought were finally accepting him just found a better way to hurt him. And he stormed from the room, and there were tears and insecurities galore.

And then the universe pointed something out to me through an insecure, crazy talented, imaginary teen. He cried, and then he marched back in and accepted that crown. He decided that if he ran, he'd regret it. He decided that he'd take the good aspects and let go of the bad. He couldn't control the actions of others, but he could control his own.

Another Gibbs style smack to the head from the Universe. All of these people I'm running around trying to please? I can't control their actions. I can't make them learn about bipolar or have an open and honest discussion about their expectations, or my abilities in meeting those expectations. I can't make them happy, because what they want and what I'm able to give are vastly different things. I cant control their opinions about me, their beliefs and actions towards me. I have no say in it, nor power over it. All I can control is how I respond.

Tonight, I'm going to curl into a ball, watch TV a while, and let myself be overwhelmed and sad. Tomorrow, though, I'm gonna march into my life again, throw on a tiara and fantastic outfit, and damn well make sure I remember that I'm fabulous. More importantly, I'm gonna make sure I remember that I am MORE than enough.

I am waiting for my landlord and his son (aka my bffs Dad and brother) to come grab a big, heavy armchair. The path is clear, though it's journey is right through my so called office (aka the couch and its surrounds). Until they come grab the chair, there's no point in me starting to organise the piles of stuff waiting for me.

Our art supplies are a mess. So chaotic, in fact, that every time we try and create something, we end up overwhelmed by trying to find what we need. A few more bags of stuff, and it's done. Those bags are sitting hidden in my bedroom, waiting until they can be dragged out and taken care of.

Yup, after the chair is gone.

Currently, the chair is sitting in my kitchen. No, really. Chalk up another room I can't do much with until the menfolk have been and gone. I'm impatient, waiting for the ability to get my stuff done. I've gotten focused on the me, and ignored the reality. The reality is that the son lives elsewhere, that it's a big deal for him to be back. His parents are savouring their time with him. They should savour it. And I, instead of bemoaning the loss of hours, should be savouring them. After all, life has gifted me some free time- something I've been sorely missing lately. For a while at least, all my 'should do' tasks have screeched to a halt. I physically can't do them.

Sure, I can't get photos done of my pages in progress. Sure, I can't paint or be creative. But I haven't been quietly wishing for those. I've been wishing for a break, and had I not decided to blog, I'd have never realised that I was getting my wish. I'd have sat, wasting this precious time, resenting the way my silly little plans were changed. I wonder how many wishes are granted that I never notice; how many times have I been so caught up in the frustration of changed plans and seemingly negative events that I miss the beautiful moments that come about?

For now, though, I'm going to do something I've wanted to do for days. I'm going to make myself a cup of tea, and I'm going to sit on the patio and enjoy the sunlight and birdsong. Eventually they'll come down, but until then, I'm going to savour this moment.

Have you ever had a day that just didn't go well? Or a week? Just a raincloud over your head drenching you all day, every day?

When I was younger, I was a moderator at a self injury forum. It was hard some days, but easily the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Being there for people as they struggled through a bad moment in their life, fighting against their coping mechanism was a much needed lesson that even if you're struggling, everyone has the ability to help someone else.

One of the best lessons I learned from my time there was the idea of the Bad Day Box. When I have kids, I'm going to have this as a weekly activity for them. I honestly think everyone could use their own Bad Day Box to play with. If you're having a rough time, this is definitely something to think about making.

The box itself can be as big or as small as you want or need it to be. It can be a shoe box, a specially bought wooden chest, whatever suits you. If you're decorating it, try to avoid dark or depressing colours, or colours that leave you feeling drained. Try for colours that you love, that leave you feeling happy and energised.

Once you've decorated to your heart's content, it's time to start filling your box. You can be as organised or disorganised as you want- there is no right or wrong way to do this. Add or leave out whatever doesn't feel right- just try and keep it as positive as possible.

If you have a blog, go and look through your comments. Are there any that make you smile, or that come from people who think you're awesome? Print out copies of any comments that inspire, amuse, or praise you (even if you don't fully believe you're as good as they seem to think you are!). Do this with forums and blogs you frequent, too. Any supportive, uplifting words directed at you should be printed out, but also look for inspiring quotes and stories. Wander round the internet for a while finding pictures and stories that make you smile, or inspire you to get up and keep working towards your goals. There are some amazingly uplifting blogs and sites devoted to publishing inspiring thoughts and ideas.

Now go have a look through your past. What are you proud of? I have some photos that I'm so proud of.  Whenever I feel as though I'm not overly creative, I go and look through them to remind myself that I need more faith in my abilities. When I finish my novel, I'll put a copy in my box. Anything and everything that you are proud of yourself for, include in the box.

The next step is something you do over a long period of time. Find yourself a little notebook that will fit into your pocket or bag easily, and a pen or pencil that will do the same. Every time you hear or see an inspiring quote, jot it down. More importantly, whenever someone says something nice about you, write it down. Keep track of who said what when, so on bad days when you flip through the finished notebooks, you can remember who said what and why they said it. When you finish a notebook, put it in the box and grab a new one.

The idea behind this is that when we're depressed, it's incredibly hard to remember all of the nice things people say about us. In fact, sometimes we start to think that the people in our lives are better off without us. Having a physical reminder of all the lovely things people say, and the moments where we've made a positive difference, is a way to combat our negative self speak.

There are variations for the bad day box, too. Some self injurers had one filled with distractions for times they wanted to hurt themselves. Other people had boxes of things that soothed them and calmed them down when they were angry or hyperactive.

So, now I've talked about one of my tools for positivity, I'm going to end this post with a question: what tips or tricks do you have for getting through bad days?

Tonight, I did something potentially crazy.

Let me preface this with an explanation. For two months now, I've been waiting patiently for my flatmate to cut my hair. We set time aside, and without fail, something happens. Someone gets sick, work needs something done sooner than now. Phone calls, emergencies. Life.

Two months is a long time to wait for a haircut. And before the obvious is pointed out: hairdressers are out for those same time constraints. I've cancelled enough appointments that I probably can't go back to the hairdresser any time soon. So I've waited, and gotten frustrated.

There's a deadline. I'm possibly road tripping on the weekend. I need my hair to be manageable. It hasn't been manageable in an eternity.

So, at 1am, when my flatmate was asleep, I put my hair in a ponytail, grabbed a pair of scissors, and hacked a large chunk of hair off.

Oddly, it doesn't look great. Ok, so it looks fine from what I can see, but I can feel empty airspace at the back that makes it obviously shorter than the sides. It needs work. Lots and lots of work.

But dammit, it's a start. Two months of skirting around, waiting for life to ease up a bit, and now I know it'll happen tomorrow. I have the day at home, and we have an hour between when she gets home from work and when we have to head out. There's our window, and because there's a hunk missing from my hair, I know it's going to happen. If I'm honest, there's also a part of me amused by the prospect of her reaction. I've left the three or so inches of evicted hair on the vanity where she'll see it first thing.

For me, it's an act of empowerment. I've accepted that life isn't going to slow down long enough to find time to get my hair done. I need to make time. And if I can't make time, then I need to make it impossible not to make time. By this time tomorrow, my hair will be done. No ifs, buts or maybes. Do I care that there will be uneven bits, that it'll be less than perfect?

No, I don't. I'd rather have it imperfect and done than wait for some never to be perfection.

The downside, of course, is that tomorrow my therapist will call this a manic episode. It's obvious I'm manic, after all, who in their right mind would cut a huge chunk out of their hair without giving it a thought? It seems sometimes that whenever I vary from what people expect, it's labelled 'manic'. What I see as putting long term contentment ahead of short term style is to my therapist a sign that my sanity isn't what it used to be. What she's never understood, what I doubt she'll understand this time, is that I'm relieved. I'm calm. With mania, I'm constantly in motion. Right now, I'm happy to sit and soak up the moment.

Three cheers for making it happen.

Today, it felt like a supreme act of will to just get out of bed. The notion of finishing my creative tasks? Eep. Impossible. The problem is, most of the tasks in progress are things for me. Celebration of Wellness activities, prep for book making, prep for a craft circle tomorrow... all rather self focused, which is both good and bad, since I don't want to do anything for me right now.

My therapist, of course, calls it a bipolar thing. I think it's more something that happens when you don't put yourself on top of your list of priorities for the majority of your life and then try and change it. This is what happens when you listen when people tell you stupid things about yourself: that you're not good enough, not creative enough, not ever going to get better.

Bah. Negativity. It's so easy to fall into that mindset, no matter how old you are or your state of mental wellness. More often than not, you don't even notice it's happening. No shock, the hard part is getting back out of it. There are probably a million and one different ideas for how to get out of the negative mindset (I'll probably post different ideas from time to time), but for the time being, I'll just talk about one.

Here's what I know about me. It's not that I can't do these tasks. I can. I want to. It's a mental block based on the notion that it's for me. So to solve my sudden halting of creativity, I need to change the language. Take the me out of the equation temporarily.

There was a challenge at the Creative Collective blog last month to make little gifts or cards to be left in public places for strangers to find. Though I can't remember exactly which blogs, I've seen bloggers who have left decorated canvases as gifts for strangers. I love this idea. I love the idea of leaving it to the universe to lead someone to the card or gift. How nice would it be to be having a bad day and stumble upon something beautiful, a reminder that things can get better.

Tonight, then, I'm going to make some small, pretty cards to be left in public areas over the next little while. In a way, it is for me. To move past this block, I need to create something. It's better to start small and work my way back to larger projects. It's mixed media and painting practise, which I've been hoping to carve out some time for lately. But, and here's where the semantics comes into play, it's mostly for someone else. It's not something I plan to keep or sell or gain any major benefit from (if I squint and don't pay much attention to the notion of 'benefits').

One of my bipolar induced lessons is that sometimes changing the way you look at something makes it easier to do. I can't always do it, but when I can, the change is large. I hate doing things for me some days (like today), but if I can find a way to make it doing something for someone else? I get it done, usually without much trouble. Maybe I can't be bothered to make sure I eat three times a day, but if I can remind myself that it makes life easier for my flatmate (I'm grumpy when I forget to eat), more often than not I take the time to make myself something good and healthy to eat.

My BFFs grandfather, who was an amazing, amazing man, used to say that if you take care of the cents, the dollars take care of themselves. It's just as valid as a life lesson as it is a budgeting tool.

I'm adding a new discussion topic to Cracks and Photographs that centres on the positive lessons you can find in mental illness. Mental illness is one of my passions- it's one of those topics that rev me up and set me off if I feel as though mental illness is being misrepresented. Instead of ranting and raging against the status quo, I thought I'd add some of the life lessons I've learned because of mental illness. I think that in life, if you move past the initial fear of something, you can almost always find a profound life lesson in there somewhere.

I feel as though a lot of aspects of my life have screeched to a halt this week. It's a roller coaster in my life right now.

I have rapid cycling bipolar, for which I cannot currently be medicated. Because I'm not medicated, one of the things I need to be incredibly careful of is my stress levels. I know when I reach a certain point, that it's a warning sign for a manic episode. And when more of the neon warning signs start flashing, life has to come to a grinding halt. I need to step back.

It's one of those moments that makes me glad I'm bipolar. It gives me an excuse to do something I've never felt allowed to do. As an adult, to step back from commitments and put yourself first? Downright unthinkable, isn't it? And if you're a parent, it's practically a hanging offense. But because I can't be medicated, I've had two choices forced upon me: step back, or fall into a manic episode. Stepping back is the lesser of two apparent evils.

To step back is to distance yourself temporarily from the stressors in your life, no matter what they are. It means admitting that you can't help those around you when you're running on empty. Mostly, though, it's admitting one very important notion: you deserve to be a priority in your life.

Sometimes those stressors are also known as loved ones. It hurts to say 'I can't help you right now', or 'I am not answering the phone for a few days to think over some things. Please don't contact me unless it's an emergency'. But you need to. When you're a snarling mess, sometimes the nicest thing you can do is send the kids to stay with a friend or relative for a night or two and get them out of range of your meltdown. Sometimes, stepping back is the kindest, most loving thing you can do for those around you.

Ask yourself: are you happy right now? Or do you feel overwhelmed, like you're drowning in stuff and other people's needs and wants? Do you feel like someone has cut about 9/10ths of your fuse? When was the last time you really laughed, or really smiled? When was the last time you had a totally good day, free of fighting and stress?

Do you feel like the people around you are a help or a hindrance? Do they help you meet your needs, or make it impossible for you to meet your needs?

All notions of duty (being a good daughter/son/wife/husband/partner/worker/whatever), responsibility and looking good for those around you aside, are you really happy? Is the way you're living now actually working well for you, and making life better and easier?

What did you do on your last day off? Did it involve housework, catching up on jobs or running around after other people? When was the last time you had a whole day where you had no responsibility to anyone but yourself? How did you spend it?

What will happen if you take time off and focus only on yourself? This is an especially important question. We all generally feel as though something bad will happen if we hand over the housework, the child raising, the job stuff to someone else or put it aside for a few days. Instead of a vague something, try and figure out what it is you think will happen. Then, when you have an answer, think about this: is the world really, truly going to end if you don't do whatever it is you're scared about not doing? Will the entire business collapse if you take a day off? Seriously? What will happen if you don't have a perfectly clean house? Or if the kids stay at a loved ones for a few nights?

If you're answers are along the lines that it's been forever, and that the world will end, you should at least start thinking about taking some you time. It's always better to take the time before you're a complete and emotional wreck. Prevention, as they say, is better than cure.

Think about it, and I'll post again in a few days with the second part of this topic.