Reworking Meaning

Today, it felt like a supreme act of will to just get out of bed. The notion of finishing my creative tasks? Eep. Impossible. The problem is, most of the tasks in progress are things for me. Celebration of Wellness activities, prep for book making, prep for a craft circle tomorrow... all rather self focused, which is both good and bad, since I don't want to do anything for me right now.

My therapist, of course, calls it a bipolar thing. I think it's more something that happens when you don't put yourself on top of your list of priorities for the majority of your life and then try and change it. This is what happens when you listen when people tell you stupid things about yourself: that you're not good enough, not creative enough, not ever going to get better.

Bah. Negativity. It's so easy to fall into that mindset, no matter how old you are or your state of mental wellness. More often than not, you don't even notice it's happening. No shock, the hard part is getting back out of it. There are probably a million and one different ideas for how to get out of the negative mindset (I'll probably post different ideas from time to time), but for the time being, I'll just talk about one.

Here's what I know about me. It's not that I can't do these tasks. I can. I want to. It's a mental block based on the notion that it's for me. So to solve my sudden halting of creativity, I need to change the language. Take the me out of the equation temporarily.

There was a challenge at the Creative Collective blog last month to make little gifts or cards to be left in public places for strangers to find. Though I can't remember exactly which blogs, I've seen bloggers who have left decorated canvases as gifts for strangers. I love this idea. I love the idea of leaving it to the universe to lead someone to the card or gift. How nice would it be to be having a bad day and stumble upon something beautiful, a reminder that things can get better.

Tonight, then, I'm going to make some small, pretty cards to be left in public areas over the next little while. In a way, it is for me. To move past this block, I need to create something. It's better to start small and work my way back to larger projects. It's mixed media and painting practise, which I've been hoping to carve out some time for lately. But, and here's where the semantics comes into play, it's mostly for someone else. It's not something I plan to keep or sell or gain any major benefit from (if I squint and don't pay much attention to the notion of 'benefits').

One of my bipolar induced lessons is that sometimes changing the way you look at something makes it easier to do. I can't always do it, but when I can, the change is large. I hate doing things for me some days (like today), but if I can find a way to make it doing something for someone else? I get it done, usually without much trouble. Maybe I can't be bothered to make sure I eat three times a day, but if I can remind myself that it makes life easier for my flatmate (I'm grumpy when I forget to eat), more often than not I take the time to make myself something good and healthy to eat.

My BFFs grandfather, who was an amazing, amazing man, used to say that if you take care of the cents, the dollars take care of themselves. It's just as valid as a life lesson as it is a budgeting tool.


Grammy said...

That is a wonderful Ideal. in a way you left me a card with out the art work. Your comment was very much a smile brought to my heart. And words of encouragement.
I thank you so much. I too am working with Rae on the art of collecting your self. I post on another blog.
I started that blog as a healing tool. For me and hopefully for others.
Big hug. E

phoenix said...

I follow both your blogs now, even as I struggle to find time to get everything done lately.

Never doubt that your words are healing tools for others. Reading your words always leaves me with things to ponder, ideas to explore, and a surge of inspiration to live the best life possible.

Big hugs, K.

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