For the first time in what feels like forever (but is more like a week), it's not painfully warm here. In fact, it's cool and rainy.

It's glorious.

There's something perfect about sipping a cup of tea and enjoying the sounds of life outside.

The back to school preparations are coming along. I've got most of the back to school supplies taken care of during the sales, and I can enroll for my tutorials on Friday morning. Fingers crossed I can nab the tutes I want, and if I can, I'll only be on campus three days a week. I'm trying to get through the year as cheaply as possible. I can apply for scholarships, but I can't plan on having that extra bit of money. The fewer days at uni, the less my transport costs are, the more I can save towards next semester's textbooks and transport.

The biggest, most awesome part of the coming fortnight is that the bestie and I have tickets for an MCR concert! Very, very excited. I love My Chemical Romance's music. And theatricality. And the idea that I'll actually get to see them perform live? I don't even know enough adjectives to describe how fantastic it is.

In terms of art, I'm falling a bit behind in Life Book, which is frustrating. Drawing people has never been my strong point, and the first challenge has been a 3/4 profile face. I've never tried one before, and by the end of today I'll have a photo up on the site asking for help on how to get the nose to look less creepy.

In terms of Magical Mythical Makings/ M3 (which was one of the additional workshops offered through Life Book), I have my giant canvas sitting and waiting to be prepped. As soon as it's sunny enough to do so, it'll be coated in gesso so I can get started drawing. No idea how I'll actually draw on it, though, since it's too big to fit comfortably on the easel. Some lateral thinking required, it seems. But already, I'm loving this class. It's drawing and painting mythological creatures and beings, but it's also lessons about working on different bases. Weeks one and two are on stretched canvas. Another one is on wood, one on watercolour paper, and one is working with unstretched canvas and fabric to create a wall hanging. Each lesson is inspired by a different artist, and trying to work within their style is so much more fun than I'd thought it would be.

There are some free courses on Willowing, too, and a monthly challenge group I'm toying with being involved in. The January challenge is 'Dragons', and for me, that's a pretty big temptation. I even have a canvas waiting to be prepped that's just begging to have a dragon on it!

That's pretty much everything at the moment. Lots of running around trying to fit as much into each day as possible. My big goal is to start uni without feeling like I'm falling behind in the art workshops, so they're taking up a fair bit of time at the moment. Fingers crossed this update will be the start of weekly ones (yup, another goal for the year!) Wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, hope you're having a fantastic day, preferably full of laughter and creativity.

It's the last day of 2011 here. Some years, it's like you've won a sprint (you know the sort of win; the one where there's noone anywhere near you and you can make a show of dancing to the finish line, or posing for photos before running through the ribbon), and some years it's like you've crawled your way out of the jungle with a body covered in bug bites, a snake trying to swallow your leg and an alligator biting your butt.

2011 has been an alligator butt year in a lot of ways, but mostly I'm so thrilled to have had so many positive experiences. I participated in 21 Secrets, which means I've learned a load of new tricks and techniques.

I'd decided not to do any courses, but changed my mind about 21 Secrets. So, so glad I did. The women running the workshops have all changed the way I look at art, and quite a few of them really hammered home for me the idea of art as therapy. Not in terms of hiring an art therapist, though that's certainly something to consider in the future, but in terms of using art on your own as a way to let go of the bad stuff and work through the complicated stuff. Quite a few of the workshops used hidden or not overly legible journaling, and I've taken to it like a duck to water. This probably sounds horrible, but I've learned more practical problem solving techniques and coping strategies in a few months of art classes than two years of actual therapy.

I applied to university this year. I told no one, because I was so, so sure I'd not get in. But I did. I start my creative writing degree in February, and I'm flitting between elated and terrified by the notion of dedicating the next 3 years of my life to something so fully. Especially since there are plans starting to take root and grow for a big, awesome, time consuming non profit endeavour.

2012? It's going to be epic.

I'm signed up for Life Book over here, which is promising to be a huge, fun, brilliant adventure. At first when I got into uni I was a bit nervous Life Book would be too time consuming, but now I'm seeing it as a creative outlet and something outside of focusing entirely on writing. I work better when I flit between things, and I can't wait till Life Book starts (22ish hours to go, but you can join any time of year and not miss anything).

I can't wait to hit the ground running in 2012.

Seriously, though, no matter how your year has been, I hope your last day/hours of 2011 are joyful and wonderful, and a perfect lead in to the magic and brilliance of 2012. May the new year bring all you can dream of and so much more.

It's been a while between updates, so I thought while I was waiting for paint to dry, I'd jump in and say hi.

Hi.

November is always a very productive month for me, because for the last few years I've been participating in Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) and pushing myself to write 50,000 words of fiction in November. It's less than 2,000 words a day to do, which sounds easy until you decide to try for a cohesive plot rather than ramblings. I've been pretty slack so far, with less than 1,000 words, but I'm wordy enough to catch up pretty quickly when I have some time to really sit and focus.

For the first time, though, I'm also participating in Art Every Day Month over at Creative Every Day. It's a challenge to do something creative every day in November, and while so far my creativity has been mostly prep work and doing little things that take forever to try, I've decided to set myself an additional challenge for this. Instead of trying to make 30 random pieces of art, I'm going to take a leaf out of Lori Portka's book. She is an amazing artist who has set about creating 100 thank you pictures for the people in her life that have inspired her and gifted her with their love and support over the years. 100 is a bit much for me, but 30? Totally doable.

So far I've got a list happening that I'm getting more and more excited about. I raced out and got some 5x7 canvas boards (because as much as I'd love to do actual canvases for everyone, the budget just won't allow for it). Batch two has just been gessoed and is drying underneath the ceiling fan beside me. Batch one has the first layer of stamping and glued on things drying. There's two more groups to be taken care of (though one has to be returned; a few of the canvas boards were mouldy when I opened their packets- ew!) For now, there's not a whole lot to photograph, but as I go through I'm planning on photographing and putting pictures up here to actually add some images to this blog.

And... that's pretty much it, really. No big, earth shatteringly huge news to report. Just me jumping around between creative acts and forgetting to update. Hope wherever you are, you're having a happy, productive time of it.

There's something about October, I'm afraid.

Don't get me wrong, I try hard not to hate a month, not to dread it's arrival. I want to see the good in it all. But there's something about October that frustrates and upsets me. This time, though, October hasn't just frustrated, it's whooped me good.

Like getting a root canal. And getting incredibly sick right before I had no choice but to finish the root canal. If you've ever had to try and sit still while trying not to cough, you know how hard that is. Now imagine having a coughing fit with a drill in your mouth. Scary, huh?

I was participating in a free (awesome) workshop to help organise the craft stash. It was brilliant, I loved it and was inspired to rock my space and bring it in line. And then everything went haywire. First there was the spider- huge huntsmen- which required fumigating my bedroom. Then multiple dentist trips. Then dealing with my best friend who was sick, and eventually getting the plague myself.

This week's Wishcasting Wednesday prompt over at Jamie Ridler Studios is What do you wish to let go of? What I feel called to let go of this week is the reason behind my October hate.

October? Yeah, that's my birth month. In the last five years, my birthday hasn't gone well. At all. There was the year my family got distracted and showed up 4 hours late because they went shopping. Not for presents or anything, they just went shopping. Then there was the year that all of my family cancelled at the last second, so no one came to my party. Then there was the year that we had a combined birthday party for the five people in my family born in October. There were four cakes- everyone had forgotten it was my birthday, too. Then there was the year my mother went to babysit, and ended up too sick to see me (which, in fairness, bothers me because it's a fairly regular thing for my Mum to cancel plans to go look after my cousins). This year, my sister was working, which bafflingly meant my mother couldn't spend the day with me.

For me, birthdays are meant to be about family. It's a day to share with people you love, and who love you. It's not about presents, but presence. And it hurts my inner child, and my outer grown up, to have our family tradition of spending time together cancelled so regularly.

The thing is, October is a great month. There's Halloween, which means funky lights and pretty art supplies. It's spring here, so there are flowers and butterflies and it's warm enough to go watch the waves or the ribbons of bats dancing through the twilight. Aside from the family issue, there's nothing bad about the month, and I'm tired of wincing at the thought of it. It's a twelfth of my year. A twelfth of my entire life is Octobers- that's a lot of years of wincing. I don't want to spend my Septembers drawing negativity to my Octobers, and it's quite obvious to me that I've done so this year.

So tonight, my wish is to let go of the hurt colouring October, so that I can embrace the beauty and happiness of the month. I want to learn to let go of the baggage, and embrace the positive rather than being dragged into the negative.

Here's to letting go.

I've done my usual, I'm afraid.

Whenever I feel particularly crazy, whether I'm feeling depressed or as though I'm racing towards mania, I tend to hide from the world. It's unhealthy, unhelpful, and causes strain on all of my relationships, but still, I run.

People don't like it when I do. To them, it feels like I'm saying I don't believe them when they say it's ok, that they can ride out the roller coaster of my emotions. And, if I'm honest, I am saying that, just not with the same connotations that people are reading into it. The only person to not run-a-screaming was a youth worker, well used to mad behaviour. To me, it feels like protecting other people, and myself. There's a million and one reasons for it, but mostly, it's because my experience is that when people see beyond the carefully crafted exterior, they run.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not violent, nor cruel. But I'm exhausting when manic and at times self destructive when depressed, and it's honestly ok that people don't cope well with the sudden shift into acting like someone else. We all cope better when the people we love fit into their pigeonholes- person A is quiet, person G is flirty, person J is the one with the good advice. When that suddenly changes, it's jarring. At times it feels like there are three distinct personality types living in the one body. I don't begrudge people not being able to handle it, because it's jarring for me, too.

This year has been about looking inwards for me. Lots of soul searching, lots of hunting out clues behind my behaviours. I honestly don't think it's helpful to say 'this behaviour is dumb and I'm gonna change it', because I need to know why I'm doing the things I do. And it staggers me how much of what I do, both good and bad, comes down to protecting myself from the potential hurt of people vanishing. So instead of stepping out and admitting that I need help or support, or that I'm struggling, I curl inward, and suffer quietly.

Both online and off, I worry that I'll be depressing, or irritating. And I wonder how many interesting or helpful thoughts or ideas are lost out of that fear. So I'm going to try and post more, if only to remind myself that it's all good. What I post here doesn't need to be perfect, it needs to be honest. That was the goal I set myself with this blog, and hiding isn't honest.

There's a belief in weight loss that until you accept yourself for where you are, until you find the good in yourself and love yourself unconditionally, nothing will change. What you hate or fear about yourself, you empower. Maybe that's true of mental health, too. What if, instead of treating my bipolar like some dark little secret, I embraced it? What if instead of grumbling about the down sides, I looked at the positives? How many famous, creative souls are bipolar? Quite a few. More and more, it's becoming accepted understanding that there's something about bipolar, or mental illness in general, that can lead to a more creative person. What if I embraced the good, and embraced who am I right now, instead of lamenting the fact that all gifts come with a downside?

How much better would the world be if we all took a moment today to look in a mirror, meet our own gaze and said 'I love you, right now, just the way you are'?

I have spent the last few weeks struggling with a decision- one that still hasn't been made. And I'm getting irritated and grumpy because instead of it all falling together like I want it to, it's just a tangled mess of maybes.

I asked the angels for help, and panicked, because nothing seemed to happen. And for a while, my stress levels increased. Increased so much that I've got an infection in my arm (you can always tells when I'm really, really stressing about something because I get sick in weird and random ways). I felt like I was waving my hands above my head, asking for help and getting nothing.

I wonder, though, if I'm just so stressed that I don't see the blindingly obvious in front of me. I know I've taken something that should be fun and awesome and exciting, and managed to jumble it up into a bad (if enlightening) moment.

Oh dear. I think I do that a lot.

I've decided, though, to talk it out here, where saner minds can add input if they wish to.

The problem with being crazy to the point employment is unsustainable is mostly financial. You can survive, of course. I'm hardly starving, or homeless. I can afford art supplies from time to time. I even manage to squirrel away money every fortnight to be able to do something fun once a year. All year, I do what's expected. I try and maintain that mature responsible grown up persona that is expected. But for one moment a year, I get to just give in and be crazy-in-the-good-sense. To not care that there are important, grown up things I could spend the money on, but to give it as a gift to my creative self to do what she wishes with it.

Normally, it's a shopping spree for art supplies. It's a chance to top up the stores, or try new things. It's a way to try that paint that's too expensive the rest of the year. This year, though, I'm thinking about doing something else. I was thinking about taking a course. Not business, not something long term and sensible, but something that enriches me creatively. Something for me, not something designed to keep everyone else happy.

My first thought was a Doreen Virtue course. Which, wow, would be amazing. My sister did one, and loved every second, and I find myself more and more wishing I'd done it, too. But lordy, is it expensive. It costs more for a three day course than I saved up in a year. And that's not even thinking about accommodation. Sheesh. At first, my heart sung with the idea of taking this course. It felt right. The universe would make it happen.

And then things did start happening. Things got delayed. On inspection, the timing was just wrong, even if we could make it work with a little elbow grease and sacrifice. As for accommodation? Yeah, no way in heck could I afford it. Even searching out the cheapest accommodation possible brought with it a pile of new issues. Everything I tried seemed to bring more bad news.

Still, my heart held on tight to the idea. Like a kid throwing a tantrum in a store, I wanted it.

I think that's where the problem lies. It's not like this course is a rare event, it happens quite regularly. So realistically, I could work my budget a little harder, save for a longer period, and be able to do it without much hassle next year, or even the year after. After all, it not happening this year doesn't have to mean it will never, ever happen. It just means that I'm not ready yet, that there are other things I could be doing that wouldn't cost quite so much.

Today, as I was hastily writing for Camp Nanowrimo, my brain kept flitting back to the Rock Your World Summit. I loved it. I want to do more things like that, really. All year, as I've read blogs like Roots Of She, Suzi Blu, Dirty Footprints Studio, ABC Creativity.... I've wanted to do their classes. They sound amazing, divine, beautiful, and every time I see them, a little spark lights up inside me and says 'yes'. Yes, I want to try that. Yes, this sings to something in me. And every time, I've sighed like a mother dreading saying no to their child, and firmly planted my feet back in reality. Yes, I'd love to do that course too, but we can't afford it. Maybe next year? Look at the cost, look at the difference in our dollar to theirs! How can we possibly do it?

What if I did a few of them this year, instead? What if I took the hint and said that the original plan isn't going to happen, but that it's made room for more fun things over a longer period of time?

What if I stopped looking backwards, and started looking ahead?

Suddenly, I don't feel so stressed.

I wasn't in the headspace where I was up to blogging when the Rock Your World Summit took place. I still feel kinda guilty about not at least mentioning it here, because OMG did I get a lot out of it. Still, I took fantastic notes, so if you want them, let me know.

But now there's another summit on the way, and now that I know it exists, I'm going to mention it right now, minutes after hearing about it.

It's called The World's Biggest Summit, it's hosted by the beautiful Goddess Leonie, and it's talking about having 100+ teachers.

It's also free. Uhuh, free.

I'm going to be honest. With the Rock Your World Summit, I thought ok, maybe I'll get one or two little nuggets of awesome, but it's not going to have much for me. And I was completely, totally, amazingly wrong. Because even the areas I thought wouldn't have much I'd care about had multiple amazing ideas for me to ponder. Pages and pages of notes.

I walked out of it hyper inspired, and with a list of ecourses I'd love to do. It was, without fail, the best thing I've done this year in terms of treating myself to something deliciously life changing and inspiring. If I could go back in time, I'd have yammered on about it on here, on my real life social media, to my family, heck, to anyone who stood still long enough near me. It was that good.

I walked out of Rock Your World realising that I needed, heart and soul, to unleash my passion and creativity and let them grow from timid, tame pups afraid of their own shadow to the wild and beautiful wolves they were always meant to be. I can't wait to see what comes from the World's Biggest Summit!