There's something about October, I'm afraid.

Don't get me wrong, I try hard not to hate a month, not to dread it's arrival. I want to see the good in it all. But there's something about October that frustrates and upsets me. This time, though, October hasn't just frustrated, it's whooped me good.

Like getting a root canal. And getting incredibly sick right before I had no choice but to finish the root canal. If you've ever had to try and sit still while trying not to cough, you know how hard that is. Now imagine having a coughing fit with a drill in your mouth. Scary, huh?

I was participating in a free (awesome) workshop to help organise the craft stash. It was brilliant, I loved it and was inspired to rock my space and bring it in line. And then everything went haywire. First there was the spider- huge huntsmen- which required fumigating my bedroom. Then multiple dentist trips. Then dealing with my best friend who was sick, and eventually getting the plague myself.

This week's Wishcasting Wednesday prompt over at Jamie Ridler Studios is What do you wish to let go of? What I feel called to let go of this week is the reason behind my October hate.

October? Yeah, that's my birth month. In the last five years, my birthday hasn't gone well. At all. There was the year my family got distracted and showed up 4 hours late because they went shopping. Not for presents or anything, they just went shopping. Then there was the year that all of my family cancelled at the last second, so no one came to my party. Then there was the year that we had a combined birthday party for the five people in my family born in October. There were four cakes- everyone had forgotten it was my birthday, too. Then there was the year my mother went to babysit, and ended up too sick to see me (which, in fairness, bothers me because it's a fairly regular thing for my Mum to cancel plans to go look after my cousins). This year, my sister was working, which bafflingly meant my mother couldn't spend the day with me.

For me, birthdays are meant to be about family. It's a day to share with people you love, and who love you. It's not about presents, but presence. And it hurts my inner child, and my outer grown up, to have our family tradition of spending time together cancelled so regularly.

The thing is, October is a great month. There's Halloween, which means funky lights and pretty art supplies. It's spring here, so there are flowers and butterflies and it's warm enough to go watch the waves or the ribbons of bats dancing through the twilight. Aside from the family issue, there's nothing bad about the month, and I'm tired of wincing at the thought of it. It's a twelfth of my year. A twelfth of my entire life is Octobers- that's a lot of years of wincing. I don't want to spend my Septembers drawing negativity to my Octobers, and it's quite obvious to me that I've done so this year.

So tonight, my wish is to let go of the hurt colouring October, so that I can embrace the beauty and happiness of the month. I want to learn to let go of the baggage, and embrace the positive rather than being dragged into the negative.

Here's to letting go.

Over at Jamie Ridler Studios, this weeks Wishcasting Wednesday question is what do you wish to read?

My answer for this is simple: my novel, published. I have spent so long writing this story, and I would love to sit curled up on a comfy chair on a rainy day, a pot of tea at the ready, reading my own creation. I imagine the feel of the crisp pages, the small smile of delight that would come from running my fingers over the cover, tracing my name and revelling in it. My creation, my words, my story given form and freed into the world.

As I would read, I would remember. I'd grin to remember how easily one section flowed, as though I were the helpless hand to some greater power's words. I'd shake my head in recollection at just how much blood, sweat and tears went into another section, how it took over a month just to get that tiny, seemingly inconsequential piece just so. I would roll my eyes at a part that, in retrospect, seems a little cheesy, or a word I'd been so in love with at the time of writing that now fills me with a sense of chagrin. Even so, I'd love it dearly, and embrace it as dear friend.

I imagine the taste of the tea, warm and comforting but barely noticed as I read. I would probably go through multiple pots, forgetting they existed until they were cold and only then realising I was thirsty. Still, even as I know how it ends, even as I know every twist and turn as though they're the roads surrounding my home, I'd be reluctant to put the book down. I'd want to read it through the eyes of someone new, someone who is simply enjoying the story rather than picking it apart.

I imagine the odd rumble of thunder as I near the end of the story, the way I snuggle into a blanket in the cold weather, my eyes still glued to the pages. And finally, I imagine shaking myself from the stupor of a finished book, grinning to realise that I love the story all the more for one final read through.

How do you wish to sparkle?

I've been struggling a bit with the Celebration of Wellness, in so much as healing means acknowledging  large amounts of emotional debris. Once you've acknowledged it, sooner or later you have to deal with it. It hurts. It's scary. It's hard to look back at some bad moments and work through the things you couldn't deal with before.

Pushing all that baggage away just gave it time to pile up.

If I'm brutally honest, right now I feel wrung out. I feel like I'm struggling; caked in dirt and as far from sparkling as possible. It would be easy to step back, call it too hard, and walk away. Painfully, obscenely easy. But damn it, I want to sparkle. I want to feel vibrant, not exhausted. I want to be able to see my inner light. I want to work through all the bad stuff so there's far more room for the good.

I want to sparkle with positivity.

I wish for the strength and grace to move through the painful, dark moments and into my sparkling future.

My choices today are to search through a dozen gig of photos for one that suits this theme, or to go outside with a cup of tea and watch the rain. The kettle is boiling as we speak.

This week over at Jamie Ridler Studios, the theme of Wishcasting Wednesday is the question what limits do you wish to set? I've spent the day with this question at the back of my mind, trying to narrow down the list in my head. Maybe I'd like so-and-so to stop doing that annoying thing they do... maybe I'd like to set a limit on phone calls late at night... there were just too many options until I realised one very important fact: every single idea was something I would like to see other people limit, in order to lessen its impact on me.

Silly, huh?

I wonder sometimes how many people feel the same. Does anyone else ever sigh deeply and accept unfair treatment, all the while getting frustrated that nobody in their close knit circle treats them with the dignity and respect they want? Has anyone else ever sat there and let themselves be verbally abused and blamed for things that they had nothing to do with? Has anyone else excused ill treatment because the other person is overtired, sick, stressed, or they need to vent? Has anyone else ever bitten back their anger because those justifications are self inflicted? Oh, she promised to be here but she went out partying last night and needs to sleep.... that's fine.

I'm guessing probably a lot. A lot of people probably crawl into bed some nights, devastated that they move heaven and earth for people who treat them so poorly. It would be so wonderful if they could realise their poor behaviour and change it, wouldn't it? You'd be happy then.

It's obscenely easy to externalise, to ignore your issues and focus on someone elses. But what if, instead of begrudgingly wishing that the people around me would change how they treated me, I wished for the ability to set myself limits as to how much bad behaviour I'll accept from those around me? What if I gave up wishing for some mythical white knight to stop the badness, and got to work channelling my inner Macguyver and scrounging up some rubber bands and chip packets? I'm guessing it'll be a lot more interesting than sitting alone in a room drumming my fingers and doing my one woman version of 'Waiting for Godot'.

This week, then, I wish for the strength to set myself limits, to stop myself accepting hurtful behaviours out of fear of causing trouble. I wish for the strength to see the difference between 'causing trouble' and protecting myself from unfair treatment.