The Universe. Again.

Today, I have issues. Not little, quirky, artistic melodrama issues. These are Godzilla issues, roaring and destroying and leaving me running about like a chook with its head cut off. I want to growl, yell, stomp and scream today.

No, really. Those kids throwing epic tantrums in the sweets isle? Were it not for major self restraint, that'd be me.

Here's the thing: today has just been a mess of being told I'm not enough. It's not enough that I'm doing everything I can to meet other people's expectations. It's not enough that I'm trying my hardest and running myself ragged in the process. It's not enough. I feel like there's a neon sign above my head flashing I AM NOT ENOUGH. I want to curl into a hole, and hide.

One of the big things I'm realising at the moment is that if you look for it, life sends you messages. It's there, whether or not it comes from a bible, a self help book, a song, or if you're me tonight, the Prom ep of Glee.

Oh yeah. You know the universe has had to work on getting a message through when your big life lesson comes from Glee.

Glee is my guilty pleasure. It's boppy. It's melodramatic and hilarious. Sue Sylvester is brilliant (as is the actress playing her, Jane Lynch). I would cheerfully by CDs by the women who play Britney and Santana. The character I love most, though, is Kurt.

Kurt (Chris Colfer) is talented beyond belief. Lordy, but his version of 'Blackbird' is my most listened to song at the moment. If Chris Colfer had a CD out? I'd buy the disk, and get it on Itunes. He is that good. And as much as I love his voice, I also love the character. Kurt is an insecure, talented kid torn between fitting in and being himself. He's also the only openly gay kid in a school that is deeply intolerant.

It was the prom episode tonight, and one in which Kurt finds himself thrilled that for once, he's not being bullied. He's happy- his boyfriend is going to prom with him, he loves his outfit, and he's convinced that finally, his peers are beginning to accept him. Until the moment he's voted Prom Queen.

All along, those people he thought were finally accepting him just found a better way to hurt him. And he stormed from the room, and there were tears and insecurities galore.

And then the universe pointed something out to me through an insecure, crazy talented, imaginary teen. He cried, and then he marched back in and accepted that crown. He decided that if he ran, he'd regret it. He decided that he'd take the good aspects and let go of the bad. He couldn't control the actions of others, but he could control his own.

Another Gibbs style smack to the head from the Universe. All of these people I'm running around trying to please? I can't control their actions. I can't make them learn about bipolar or have an open and honest discussion about their expectations, or my abilities in meeting those expectations. I can't make them happy, because what they want and what I'm able to give are vastly different things. I cant control their opinions about me, their beliefs and actions towards me. I have no say in it, nor power over it. All I can control is how I respond.

Tonight, I'm going to curl into a ball, watch TV a while, and let myself be overwhelmed and sad. Tomorrow, though, I'm gonna march into my life again, throw on a tiara and fantastic outfit, and damn well make sure I remember that I'm fabulous. More importantly, I'm gonna make sure I remember that I am MORE than enough.


Grammy said...

You learned a very good lesson today. I am so happy for you. You are perfect just the way you are. And do not have to change for any one. When we live in our true self, and not conform to the expectations of others. We are living the life we were meant to. These are just lessons in life. And you passed with flying colors. Big hug. E :)

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